Just for Fun

Sarah, you're an Alligator in the wild world of love.



See you later, Alligator. We won't be catching much of you around the singles swamp. You tend to lurk below the surface at some of the most happening and trendy scenes around town. Being the savvy prowler that you are, you give yourself adequate time to observe and calculate before you make your devastating moves. Once you've located your target, your slow, suave approach is enough to hypnotize just about anyone.

Sure, you might look tough on the outside, but you know how to woo a potential mate with soft strokes and tender words. To you, romance is a subtle dance and you're willing to take your time with it. You ever so skillfully develop your next cunning move that's always so impossible to resist. You've got the ritual of romance down to a science, don't you?


Sarah, you're less sinful than the average person.



Still, your sinful tendencies are running just below the surface and could start to affect your choices in life. For example, if you aren't careful, your relationship to what you consume may ultimately be your downfall. Beware of letting what you eat and drink take over your life at the expense of your health and well-being.

Though you're less sinful than others, this, and the other sins you scored highest on, can still jeopardize the things that are most important to you. Don't let them.

I Can

I don't want to be angry at my past. I don't want to remember him and get angry at him again. It's not constructive. It doesn't help me. It hinders me. I CAN move on.

I don't want to think about what I can't do because I'm not in good health. I don't want to think that I can't go for a hike. I don't want to give myself the excuse of it being too cold, too hot or too dark to ride my bike. I don't want to worry about my heart or my ankles. I don't want to walk hunched over because my knees are shot from too much weight. I CAN be healthy and strong.

I don't want to be in Accounting, HR or Payroll for the rest of my life. I don't want to be bitter and old calling companies for collections, wishing I had just gone to school and grown. I don't want to waste my intelligence. I CAN go to school and get a job I enjoy.

I can. And I will.

Wow... Breathe

I've never been so busy in my entire life! My 5 day Christmas vacation was NOT restful.

Right after work on Tuesday, the 21st, I drove to my sister's house to help her and my mother redecorated sister's daughters' rooms.

We painted walls, windows and doors, hung canopies, rearranged furniture and put in new pillows, curtains, blinds, chairs and rugs. It was hard work, but so worth it. The girls saw pictures of their new rooms on Christmas day and just about bust. They can't wait to see them in person. Pretty nifty Christmas gift if you ask me. :)

After the decorating we went back to my folks' house on Christmas Eve Day. With all the little girls running around, it was hardly relaxing. My honey showed up at about 6pm. I was so glad to see him. My safe harbor. My comfort zone.

We stayed the night and woke early to find the little ones wide eyed and excited that Santa had come. After the morning festivities of opening gifts and dumping stockings, we made breakfast. It was easier this year. I suggested we have fruit and home made pigs 'n blankets. Much quicker than cooking bacon!

Honey went off to work at noon and I stayed the rest of the day. Playing cards, watching movies and making dinner. It was good, as usual. And afterward we went out to see Christmas lights. I was going to head home but decided to go ahead and stay one more night so us bigger girls could go shopping on Sunday.

We headed out early to Target and then went to eat lunch. A little more shopping after that and then I went home. Finally. 5 nights gone can really wear a person out. I was so glad to be home, in my space, with my cats and my honey.

Needless to say, I slept like a log. It's so good to be home.

Chess Anyone?

Remember that wedding/Halloween party I went to? You know the one that sucked so bad I felt like ass for two days after cause my stupid ex-husband was there and all those people I don't like?

Yea, well, I had a party on the 11th of this month. It was a little, girl get together to talk about Cirque du Soleil, music, Christmas, men... whatever. So one of the women there is damnnear best friends with the lady that was the bride in the wedding/Halloween party. Let's call the bride Jaime, and the friend Sandra.

Anyway, so Jaime tells Sandra that Asshat(my ex) and his girlfriend have come up to her on separate occasions, since the wedding and told her that me and my best friend, RecursiveAngel, we're throwing rocks or pecans or something at their backs and giggling. *raises eyebrow* Excuse me? Are you fucking serious? Um... no.

So Jaime asks Sandra if she believes that to be true. Sandra of course comes to our defense and says "I seriously don't think either of them would do that." But neither of them can figure out why Asshat and GF would tell Jaime that. This brings the question to me and RA. Sandra asked us at the party if it happened and after I almost fell out of my chair laughing, I started shaking and getting REAL loud about how insane that is.

The next day I was calmer and thinking. "Why in the world would Asshat tell Jaime that? They aren't that close of friends. That just doesn't make any sense at all." And then it hit me. He's playing chess. He didn't expect to see me or RA there. He doesn't want to see me or RA. He went right to the source. The woman that threw the party. Her wedding.

Turn her against us Asshat, so she won't like us and won't invite us again, so you don't have to see us. Bravo.

I'd like to remind all of you that we've been separated for well over 2 years. Divorced for almost 2 years. Before the wedding, I haven't seen the man or spoken to him in almost that long. We don't even hang out with the same people.

It shocks me and angers me beyond belief that he still goes to great lengths to alienate me. He's clearly insane in thinking that he has had anything to do with me not coming around that circle of people anymore.

6 days out of the week I completely forget he exists. But it's always that one day, that gets my blood boiling again. That one day that I remember. That one day that I get angry all over again and angrier still that he feels he has had some sort of injustice brought onto him.

Wow. You are some piece of work. Asshat.

Our first Christmas Tree 

Our first Christmas Tree 

A Real Christmas Tree

So I have a boyfriend who comes from New Hampshire. He insisted that we get a real Christmas tree this year. Last year we didn't have one at all due to being super busy and not having the money to buy all the trimmings. But we made the effort this year.

Not only is it my first REAL tree, it's my first tree as an adult! We got to go buy all the ornaments we liked, and the star and garland. I've been bouncing off the wall for weeks waiting for the time to come to get the tree. I've been asking him all sorts of questions.

"How soon can we get one?" "How much water will it need?" And then at the tree lot I had comments "That one is too big" or "too little" or "too pokey"

We ended up with one that wasn't the softest, but wasn't the meanest either. We brought it home and I put on a long sleeve shirt and some gardening gloves and started wrapping the lights around it. He sat on the couch and put hooks on all the little bulbs. Then I started decorating it while he directed me when he saw a blank spot, or a spot with too many of the same color.

It was fun to say the least. I love our little tree.

Ramblings

I've got most of my Christmas shopping done. And today I got the wrapping paper and bags that I'll need for all of it. I tell ya, it sure is hard not to get all that expensive cute stuff that matches. I suppose if I didn't have to buy for so many, and it was just one or two cute presents, I could afford to do that. But I figure, the paper is hardly noticed anyway, especially by the little ones. So I got the big roll for 3 dollars. That should take care of most the presents. I had to grab a couple of bags for some pillows I bought my two oldest nieces. It's not easy wrapping pillows. Might as well just throw them in a decorative bag.

I have four more items to get. I sure am thankful that not only can I afford to buy things for my family, I don't have to hawk crap anymore to do it. I tell ya, that ex of mine sure was a piece of work. He spent every cent he could on crap. Material BS to fill the hole in his soul. And of course it never was good enough, and there always had to be more. More, more, more. We were always juggling something, pawning things, borrowing money from friends and family. I got financial freedom when I kicked his ass out as well. It took me a little while to get back on my feet, but within a few short months I was pretty on top of my bills again. Of course this was over 2 years ago, so things have been straight for a while. But it always blew my mind that we collectively made plenty to take care of what we had, and yet, we were always broke and struggling. I have less now than we did then and I'm way better off. Anyway, there's plenty of other things I have to worry about, and I'm really glad it's not money anymore.

I was pleasantly surprised this past Saturday when I got on the scale. I don't normally do this. I'm not obsessed with weighing myself everyday and freaking out about 5lb fluxuations. I think I step on the scale once every 6 to 8 weeks. For most of the last year and a half it's floated around 225. Sometimes on a "good" day it was 220. But it hasn't been under 220 in over 2-ish years. Well it was about 217. A little hard to tell cause those lines between the "5's" are miniscule. But I went around all day feeling as if I've lost 7lbs, and proudly announced it to those who would listen. Not the stranger at the grocery store, but family and friends. So for the first time in almost 2 years it was under 220. In the middle of the Holiday season too, I might add. I've yet to hop back on it. I don't want to burst my bubble. :)

My beginner BellyDance class graduation dress rehearsal is this coming Saturday. I've got the dance down pretty good. It's far from perfection, but what do you expect from beginners anyway? The graduation is on the 18th. I'm looking forward to moving onto the next class. And I'm only slightly nervous about our little "show." See about 3 years ago I took a class for about a year, and we did two shows. So this is old hat to me now. I know what to expect, and I know I like it, even if it does make me nervous. It's always a good time. I think it's funny that in class our teacher always reminds us to smile. I've figured out that I don't have to practice smiling in class, cause I can't keep a big ass grin off my face when I'm in front of a bunch of people shaking my ass. It's just too damn fun to not smile. :D

Dreams

Some of my most favorite dreams are the ones when you have residual emotion for the whole day after you wake up. I find it very interesting that some dreams can be vivid enough to effect your awake state of mind.

I've had two of these this week!

Most of the time, for me, these dreams are good feelings. Leaving me happy, excited, or even flirty and saucy. But sometimes they are icky feelings. Like sadness or just a general bad funk.

Bad funk dreams always come from me dreaming about my ex husband. He weasels into my dreams and even tho I may triumph over the situation in the dream, I'm generally left with Ex-Funk all over me all day. That's the one I had last night. So I'm kinda icky today.

The one earlier this week was much better. :) I felt flirty and saucy all day, and it was great. And no you can't have any details!

Anyway, I'm not nearly as funky today as I've been in the past. It's probably the cold weather and Christmas music. :D

Brrrr!

Okay, Santa crawled in my bedroom window last night and bit my ass. And before you *gasp* I'm talking about the Christmas bug. I've been bit. I love this time of year and today, I've embraced it with open arms.

I normally try and keep the bug at bay until I at least have my first serving of Thanksgiving Dinner... but not this year.

A cold front blew in last night and the Christmas music is playin on my PC at work. I'm grinning from ear to ear, excited to head outside for lunch and freeze my ass off. The funny part is, it's only 41 degrees. Oh, but add the wind and you've got a crisp 35 degrees. Oh I know.... it's not cold for everyone, but this is Texas dammit. I'm cold! And I'm loving it.

I went out and got the goodies to help make for Dinner tomorrow and just can't wait to get over there and watch the parade with my little nieces. An extra special thing this year, is that my best friend gets to come celebrate with us as well! She loves my family. We're loud and flamboyant and laugh at everything. I'm all wiggly I can't even put my thoughts together.

To all of you out there. Have a wonderful holiday, and BE THANKFUL!!

Mrrow?

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Helping

My sister and I are 32 & 28 (2 1/2 weeks shy of 29) respectivley. My mother has a hard time letting other people do things. (most mothers are like this)

Well seeing that my sister and I are fully grown women, and can help quite a bit with Thanksgiving Dinner.... and my mother sure could use a break, we're making her just stop and sit down and let us do it this year.

She can't let go completely though, so we're letting her do the meat and stuff mushrooms. But sister and I will be doing the rest. I'm looking forward to it. Mostly because mom won't have to do it. But also because I enjoy making food and providing for people. Plus my deviled eggs are to die for. :p

Next week should prove to be a good one. Hunny is off Thursday & Friday with me!! That's not the norm, but he was lucky enough to get those two days off this year. I can't wait to spend all day Thursday with my family, cooking, laughing, playing, talking and of course eating.

Chapters of Life

I fired off two emails today. They both said the exact same thing.

"Why don't you talk to me anymore? Blatant honesty would be a real good idea.
Thanks,Sarah"

I have these two "friends" that are men and I've searched my brain backwards and forwards to find a reason they aren't talking to me anymore, and I can't figure it out. It hurts and makes me angry.

Mostly I just miss them. Even if they tell me to F off, that's better than not hearing anything.

Come on guys... give me some closure.

Premonition

My dreams weren't just dreams. They were premonitions. I WAS the only girl at my class reunion who's gotten fat.

I didn't have that good of a time. I'm glad I went though, otherwise I would have regretted not going. But it was too expensive, and the food wasn't good and we were in an area WAY too small. It was apparently supposed to be outside, but it was too cold. So the back up room was where we were, and it was tiny. I don't know which planner thought it wouldn't be cold in mid-Nov to plan something outside.

Most of the people that showed up were the popular kids, and they still didn't give anyone "beneath" them the time of day. It's amazing how much DOESN'T change in 10 years.

I feel I've changed alot. And not just physically. I feel stronger and more aware. I'm more upfront and nice, and not such a wallflower anymore. I know what I want most of the time and I don't hesitate to go get it.

I did see one person I was glad to see and got his email. So maybe we'll be able to keep in touch a little better now, even though he no longer lives close.

I found it annoying and somewhat humorous that the conversation was mostly shallow and alot of the time, candy coated bullshit. I guess it's a good thing my hair is shorted so people could actually comment on how I looked without saying "OMG you've gained 80lbs!" I heard, "You look great!" all over the place, except directed at me. All I got was "You cut your hair!"

Whatever. I know, I know, I'm quite wrapped up in my own weight problem. Probably to the point where I read more into crap than is really there. But I swear I heard a hint of pity in someone's voice... which just makes me angry because I'm not a sad case anymore. I was 3 years ago when I was in the pit, but I'm not anymore. Other than being overweight, I'm in better shape than I've ever been! I'm happier than I've ever been, and stronger. I'm not just some poor fat sap.

I could go on all day....

Hurt, Confusion...

I've got big stuff on my mind that isn't for public blogging.

I didn't want to go another day without saying something on here, but I can't say what I need to say, so I won't be saying anything at all.

Until my days are brighter...

Nothing.

A blog about nothing. Of course to try and comprehend 'nothing' is not humanly possible. So I suppose I can conjure up something.

I finished the second trilogy of the Dragonlance series. It was wonderful. 6 books down and not a second of boredom or disappointment. I need to pick up the next in line. I'm sure I can find it for 2 bux at a nearby Half Price Books. I'm going to take a short break from those however. I have a vampire book I bought several months ago that needs to be cracked. I'll try not to compare they writing style too much. I hope it doesn't suck. Heh.

My clothes still aren't hung. Nor is my lamp. I danced Saturday at class then spent the day doing laundry. Hunny and I went out to see The Incredibles. It was great! I can't wait for it to hit DVD so I can see it again. I'll save the 8 bux for a flick and see something else at the theater though.

My hair is a mess. I'm looking forward to Friday's paycheck so I can get it cut again. And I need a freakin massage too. Maybe I can afford one of those this weekend as well. Not real sure when I'd go though. I'll be busy with friends and reunion Saturday and need to go clean Grandma's house on Sunday. I think she expected me this last weekend, even though we never set an exact schedule. I didn't call her or email her either. I should do that today so she knows I didn't forget about her. :)

Varekai is tomorrow night. I can't wait to see it. I hope our seats are decent. That'll be my last splurge (i hope) before the end of the year. I've got to sit on some monies for Christmas and our hopeful trip to New Hampshire next spring. Stoopid tempting stores.

Well nothing sure turned out to be something. Even if it is just a brain dump. :p

Busy!

I have just got a ton of stuff happening before the end of the year. I think every weekend I'll be busy, or at least I need to be.

I've got some things to go do or see, I've got craft projects to complete for Christmas. My apartment is still not finished from the move, (which was in mid Sept.) and then of course there are the holidays. My uncle is coming into town in a couple of weeks and my bellydance class "graduates" in mid December!

I've got Christmas presents to make or buy. I've got decorations to make or buy. At some point we'll be getting a tree, and we'll have to decorate it and the porch.

This weekend I'll be going to dance class, working on my front bathroom and going to Six Flags with my family. If I don't organize and hang up my clothes, I'm going to kill someone. (probably myself)

I have ornaments and presents to make for myself, friends and family. I made soap last night, and I need to figure out how to bundle those up and who to give them to. I didn't actually MAKE the soap. I bought soap blanks and melted them down to add scent and color then poured it into cute little Christmas themed molds.

The lamp in the kitchen still isn't hung. *rolls eyes* I should do that tonight. Period.

I'm going to see Varekai (Cirque du Solei) on Tuesday night and then Friday and Saturday night of next week is the class reunion stuff. And I need a hair cut before that! Gah! :)

I've got to try and stay focused however, so I can get this all done. A video game I've preordered is going to be available next week, and I'm highly anticipating it's arrival.

I don't think I've ever been this busy in my whole life! I'm reading a book right now too! Hehehhe

Reunion

My High School reunion is on the 13th of this month. I've been thinking about it since the day I graduated. Therefore, although I'm nervous, I can't possibly miss it, or I'd regret it for the rest of my life.

Over the last few months I've had SEVERAL dreams about seeing all these people again. It's amazing who I remember while I'm sleeping that I don't remember while I'm awake. The clarity of realness of all the dreams have been incredible.

The problem is, I seem to be the only one who has gotten fat in the last 10 years. I of course realize this is completely ridiculous, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it, as my dreams clearly reflect.

My best friend from school and I have kept in touch. I met her when we were in 3rd grade and if she hadn't moved away in 10th grade, she would have graduated with us. Needless to say, she knows these people too. It was/is a small town, and I graduated with people I went to kindergarten with.

So for 8 years she went to school with us. I told her she has to go with me. I'm taking my hunny as well, but he doesn't know them. So she's my safety net, as well as I will be hers.

I'm still nervous but I know I'll have a good time. I expect even more unsettling dreams in the next week though. Blech.

Voting

This is a big election. Big enough for me to get involved. Or perhaps I'm realizing my right with age. Or at least the importance of it. It's been interesting to say the least. From someone coming out of a complete political hibernation to a decision making voter.

I haven't voted since I was 18, but a few months ago I decided I was going to vote this year and got my registration up to date. In just the last 2 weeks I've started to pay attention, so that I might make the choice I want to make, and not the choice I think I should make due to other people and their opinions. That's a hard thing to do. Or at least it is for me. I'm highly swayed by others' around me.

I've finally made my choice and I'll be heading down to the polls after work to cast my vote. If for no other reason than to justify the women who fought so hard, not so long ago, for my right to vote.

How was your weekend?

Total crap if you ask me. I went to that party/wedding with full intent on having a good time, being snarky, having drinks and generally enjoying myself.

I round the corner, upon arrival, only to see the one person on the planet I thought couldn't possibly be there. My exhusband. aka, The Pit. Considering who he was with, I'm guessing he didn't expect me to be there either. An old friend of ours, when we were still a couple. I think I embarrassed the hell out of her. Which added slight amusement, since I was wanting to be snarky anyway.

The wedding proceeded to start late, and it was midnight to begin with, so everyone was tired. It was quiet and boring and several other people there aren't folks I like to see. But everyone, except the ex, put on their nice faces and made small mindless chit chat.

It was the most obscene display of candy coated bullshit I'd ever seen. Hollow smiles, fake laughs, followed by whispers and eye rolls when no one was looking. I think it would have been a much more entertaining event if we'd all actually drop the act and tell each other what we really think. I would have gotten into at least 3 fist fights I'm sure. If of course, I said and did what my insides want to do. The animal part of me.

But no, I tucked it away like a civil grown up and played the nicey nice game, the whole while, making myself sick. This was all on Saturday night, or early Sunday morning, if you will.

I felt weird all day yesterday. Trying to place my... anger? I finally figured it out this morning. A life lesson, I suppose you are supposed to learn at some point, I hope I'm not behind.

Life Lesson: No one gives a crap about anyone else except themselves. They don't want to know what your story is, or how soandso treated you. They don't want to know the truth and be real. Everyone wants to pretend everything is right in the world and there is no injustice.

I can't stand it. I pried myself out of that circle because this one chick treated everyone like shit. At one time or another someone was on her shit list, and everyone else heard about it behind their back. When I made my round to the list, I didn't put up with it. I removed myself. And I still, to this day cannot grasp any understanding as to why all of those people are still friends with her, knowing full well she is the way she is. It completely baffles me. This goes for my exhusband too. The idiot dating him knows what he did to me! She saw it first hand, and yet she's going out with him. What?! Idiot.

I'm not even going to get into what happened last night and the people I ran into that I can't stand even more so than the afore mentioned.

Halloween

My social circle is gone. I don't have quite enough friends to make a circle any more. Mostly because I've migrated away from having "friends" I only see at parties and toward surrounding myself with only those select few I consider close dear friends.

I'd say 360 days out of the year, this doesn't bother me. But there are 5 or so days during the year I'd actually like to attend a big crazy party.

Halloween is one of those days. I haven't been to a Halloween party in about 4 years. But this year, one of my dearest and closest friends was invited to one. It's really a wedding. At midnight, on the 30th. Which I just think is stupid as hell, and I really don't like the girl getting married at all.

However, I'm going with my best friend as her "date" because her ex is going to be there, and what better day to go and be a catty bitch but on Halloween?!

We'll be dressed to the 9's, sipping our drinks, making nasty comments to each other about everyone there, and throwing dirty looks all night.

>:)

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary.If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What kind of blogger are you?

Will Power

Or lack there of. I have none when it comes to eating right and exercising. I figure that's the norm in the world though. Unfortunately.

I hear people say, people that have lost weight that is, "I just came to the conclusion that I had to make it happen, and I just did it." I've been traveling down this weight gain road for 5 or 6 years now and I've yet to come to "the conclusion." I come to the idea and thought of doing it all the time though. Pretty much every waking hour.

I've tried everything save a drill sergeant trainer. Well, everything except unhealthy routes, like strict diets or medication. I'm not desperate enough to be stupid. But I'm gettin real close to the idea of just forking out the money for a trainer.

When I think about what it would take, it's just so simple. Don't drive through, and exercise more than just dance class on Saturday mornings. But for some reason, I just can't make it happen. And I have time to do it too! That's the most frustrating part. I have absolutely no excuse.

Bah. Every single day I stop in the middle of the road and stare up at this road block, wondering how the heck to get around it. A puzzle I've yet to work out. An endless maze that's slowly driving me to madness.

Family

My sister lives about 3 hours west. Her youngest daughter had her 12th birthday on the 6th of this month and just this past Saturday we all got together to celebrate.

I got up early Saturday morning to drive to my parent's house. I came in to find three of my brother's little girls quietly playing in Dad's computer room. Messy haired, puffy eyed and cute as can be. They bolted to me with angelic smiles on their faces to squeeze my legs in their tiny hugs.

Mom, Dad and I were headed out to sister's first, in their car. Brother was going to bring out the little ones, with his girlfriend and her son, meeting us all at party time. So the three of us piled in the car and were on our way.

We talked about TV, politics and Christmas plans. Chattering and laughing the miles away. We arrived around 11:30 and were greeted with more smiles and hugs. After a quick lunch we packed up the cars and headed to where the birthday girl picked for her party. Bowling!

Shortly after arriving, Brother showed up with his crew in tow and the party was underway. We had two lanes. One with bumpers and a ramp for the little ones to bowl and the other set up normal. We did the normal party thing. Cake, presents and bowled two games. Then we all headed out to eat. 14 of us total. Had a good meal and even more fun. Then we kissed and hugged the little ones goodbye, along with brother and his girlfriend. Mom, dad and I headed back to sister's house.

Sunday we got up and had donuts. Then mom, sister and I made some earrings for a lady mom works with. One of my sister's girls suggested we go bowling again. After a short pause of silence, we all smiled and said "Okay!" Hehehhe so 6 of us headed out and went to bowl two more games.

We laughed and talked smack. Mom kept saying "It's on now!" Not one of us bowled over 85 points, but it didn't matter. It was fun, and it was with family.

We've decided it needs to be a more regular thing. I think we're going to plan another bowling trip in a few weeks. :D

Dance!

I won't be in town this weekend, so I went to my makeup bellydance class last night. See, there are 3 beginner classes during the week and the Saturday class is the last of the 3. So if I want to learn that week's lesson, I have to go on a night before I'd normally go. ;) Essentially, making up a class before it even happens.

Anyway, Thursdays are quite different than Saturday mornings. The warm up music was more up beat and I found that I was more limber than usual. I figure it due to the fact that I've been up all day and have moved around a lot, but regardless, it was nice to be able to grab the bottom of my feet!

We're learning a full routine and got through the last few steps last night. It was so fun! It's a great dance. We've still got to polish, of course, and learn a few more arm movements, but the meat of it is there. The teacher also gave us a written hand out of the steps. Now I can practice at home and have my sheet there incase I forget any steps.

I'm looking forward to polishing this fun dance and performing it at our "graduation" in a couple of months.

A Few Things

Thing One
I was introduced to blogging only a few days ago, and since then I feel I've been sucked into this world I didn't know existed. I spent almost a hour this morning clicking "Next Blog" at the top of the screen. I find it extremely fascinating that I'm able to browse through endless blips of other people's lives. Most I just click on by due to them being in other languages. Some are from younger posters who have a whole new internet language I prefer not to read. The ones I find most interesting are like mine. Random everyday thoughts and doings.

Thing Two
Weight. I'm obsessed. I'm not nearly as obsessed with my current weight as I used to be. I've come to terms with it as much as I can. I got new clothes that fit well and look good. My obsession now is fear of getting larger. I constantly think about what I eat and why I'm not trying harder. Why I don't take more time to exercise. I don't have answers. I bellydance once a week, which feels great. I took that step. I need to take another. I've been telling myself that for years. Maybe someday, I'll listen to myself.

Thing Three
The apartment is coming together slowly but surely. I came home to find the "entertainment center" put together. (Thank you honey) The front bathroom needs MUCH work. After this weekend I'm going to put all of my efforts into getting it finished. It needs wallpaper and paint and a good cleaning! My uncle is visiting mid Nov. and I'd like it to be done by then. It sure was easy tearing down that old terrible wallpaper....

Sunlight to the bottom of The Pit

I was dying.

My soul was tapped and I could give no more. When I woke every morning, I woke to a new day full of struggles, fights and stress. I woke to be an alarm clock, a maid, a cook, a mother, a whore. I was everything but Me. He used me and gave nothing in return. I had become nothing but a shell. But even a shell is cherished by someone. It's beauty, the sound of the ocean inside. I wasn't.

When you are in a situation like that, you never see it as bad as it really is. Looking back I see how incredibly impossible it was. There is a reason I'm able to look back on it however.

One day, from the bottom of The Pit, I caught a glimpse of sunlight. I looked up, covering my eyes from the bright rays and saw the shadow of a face smiling down at me. I was weak and dirty, tired and sore, lying at the bottom, and yet this face smiled at me as though I was the most wonderful thing he had ever seen. He came to visit me often. Telling me stories and tales of the wonderful things that were up where he was. He told me I was wonderful and beautiful. I scoffed at him, thinking how in the world could that be possible? But he was persistent.

Soon I found the strength to stand. I straightened my clothes and dusted my self off the best I could. Although still in The Pit, I welcomed the day, excited to see his face and hear his voice, his encouragement. I became stronger every day. Strength enough to really begin to despise The Pit. To realize where I was and how badly I wanted out. I fought to climb, gouging my fingernails into the dirt walls. Grabbing roots, using ever bit of strength I had to pull my self to the top.

As I neared the top, his smiling face beamed with delight and his big strong hand came down to me and grasped my wrist. He held me strong and gave me leverage to pull myself out completely.

I ran from The Pit, never to return. But I keep the stinking scent of that rotten dirt in my mind so that I will not ever forget the lesson I learned.

You were my saving grace, Tony. My sunshine.

Thank you.

Home Improvements

I spent some time today working on home improvements.

I ran out to the local Container Store and bought a shelving unit to house our entertainment center. If you'd call it that. I wouldn't. It's no more than a TV, DVD player and stereo.

I also ran by Home Depot and picked up a light fixture to go over the kitchen sink. It's a hanging light that's beautiful bright yellow blown glass with an artistic swirl coming off the bottom. An upside down ice cream look, if you will. The cord is quite long and I need to tack it up and out of the way to finish and attach the fixture.

I got the shelving unit put together as well, but will need to get a longer cable to move the TV to it. (the cable jack is on a different wall) Also while at the Container Store, I picked up a spice rack and will spend some time this evening transferring spices from the containers they came in.

Progress!