Next month I will be officially divorced for two years. I'm still healing. I've had several dreams as of late with him in them. Some scary, some weird, some okay.
I had one last week that scared me. I was out somewhere with some friends (or so they were in my dream - none of them had faces) but the feeling of the dream was that I was out with my friends and I was feeling free and new and in a state of realization that I was completely free of him and he had no control over me any longer. Then he suddenly appeared and although I don't remember exactly what he said to me, the idea of it was that he could take me away and keep me locked up and under his control and I'd never be free of him.
After I woke, it left me feeling very trapped all day. That perhaps he could do those things. Just crawl out of the woodwork and suck me back into The Pit.
Then this weekend I had another dream about him. I was at what was supposed to be his mom’s place. She was there and so was he. Most of the dream seemed like she and I were talking about the whole situation and how Randy was taking it, and although he was there and could probably hear us, he wasn’t responding. But he wasn’t being a dick either. It was like she and I were discussing how he was hurt about it all and hoping he’d get over it soon. (Me kicking him out and divorcing him) He came and sat next to me with a guitar and an amp and wanted to show me how he could play. It was like he was a troubled teen and she and I were the grown up’s watching him act like he was okay, but knowing that he really wasn’t. Part of it was me talking to her about hoping he’d get over it soon so we could be friends again and he wouldn’t hate me. I was wearing my wedding rings too.
Weird thing though, I don’t think the way the dream was pictured is what it was really supposed to represent. I think that he was symbolizing the chunk of me that is still funkified by him. That he (or that piece of me) was healing, by coming to me and sitting with me to play the guitar. That I was talking to his mother, but that symbolized me talking to myself, and feeling sad and pity for that hurt part of me that I want to hurry up and get over it and heal.
Because I don't want to be his friend or ever speak to him again, but I do want to be over it already. I want to stop being angry at myself for letting him do the things he did to me. And angry at him for doing them. I want to stop blaming myself for letting myself get into the shape I'm in, and acting like it was his entire fault. And I want to get over all of those same things and stop blaming him for what he did to cause me to be the mess that I am. Bah, that's all so hard to verbalize.
Regardless, I'm so incredibly done. I was done years before I married him. I was done months after I married him, and I'm still done years after I've divorced him. It's exhausting. When will it finally be clean, clear and gone?
Monday, February 28, 2005
Thursday, February 17, 2005
The Brain Test
I love these little quizzes. :p
Sarah, you are Left-brained
Most left-brained people like you feel at ease in situations requiring verbal ability, attention to detail, and linear, analytical ability. Whether you know it or not, you are a much stronger written communicator than many, able to get your ideas across better than others.
It's also likely that you are methodical and efficient at many things that you do. You could also be good at math, particularly algebra, which is based on very strict rules that make sense to your logical mind.
Sarah, you are Left-brained
Most left-brained people like you feel at ease in situations requiring verbal ability, attention to detail, and linear, analytical ability. Whether you know it or not, you are a much stronger written communicator than many, able to get your ideas across better than others.
It's also likely that you are methodical and efficient at many things that you do. You could also be good at math, particularly algebra, which is based on very strict rules that make sense to your logical mind.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
The Kitchen Project
My parents, over the years, have spent time and money redecorating/modeling their home. This is the home I spent my whole childhood in, so it's been around a while and has seen many different designs.
Some rooms are seriously outdated and neglected where as others are quite beautiful and hip. In 1970 something or the early 80's they tore down a wall that semi separated the kitchen from the living room. I always thought this was a great move. It gave the inside a much bigger area to live in.
A hand full of years ago they bought new couches and stones to rework the hearth. They bought new light fixtures and fans too. All in the style of Frank Lloyd Wright. It looks great.
The kitchen however was redone in the early 90's I think and hasn't been touched since. The cabinets are white, but the doors are light blue. They finally got a new oven and dishwasher that have a modern black and white look, but never replaced the counter top or fridge. They are both still Harvest Gold, circa 1975. Mom has the standard chicken and duck country kitchen crap hanging in a few places, and some fake plants here and there. They hate it, but their bedroom needs just as much love, and Mom wants to do that first.
So they're working on the bedroom for now and probably won't even think about getting to the kitchen for at least 3 years. This is where I come in. And my sister.
My folks are going on vacation to Italy for their 35th wedding anniversary next summer, '06. I talked to my sister about maybe trying to get them on a TLC show to get their kitchen redone. After much discussion, and not wanting to chance being picked, we decided to do it ourselves. I've been fishing information out of Mom about what she might like "when they get to it" and she's been quite unaware of my intentions and full of great information. It's easy to talk about right now too, since she's in home makeover mode for the bedroom.
Sister and I know she already likes Tuscan/Mediterranean style. She' s made plenty of comments in the past about "wishing I had a kitchen like that." We figure Dad is just along for the ride, and won't be opposed to the style either, so we're just gonna go for it.
We've discussed colors and what we need to do. I think the only thing we won't be able to upgrade is the cabinetry, and I know Mom really wants new cabinets. But I think once we're done with the makeover, she'll be good to go with what she has. New hardware, paint and fancy finish should be sufficient. But considering they'll be getting a new fridge, counter top and mosaic backsplash I don't think she'll complain.
Sister and I had already discussed putting up a mosaic as a backsplash. But while I was fishing info from Mom the other day, she said "I'd love to mosaic the backsplash." :p We were dead on.
We're also looking into getting new dishes as well. I even bought a new painting for one of the walls and a new utensil jar to go next to the stove. We'll be picking up trivets and putting in a cute wrought iron mosaic table and wrought iron chairs.
This all sounds so very involved and expensive, but guess what? We're doing it over the next year and a half. We should be able to buy most of the bits before we're ready to put it all together, and we'll try and get a credit card at Lowe's or Home Depot for the fridge and counter. I know we can do this. We WILL do this. My parents deserve this, and it will be a wonderful 35th wedding anniversary present for them to come home to.
From Italy itself to their brand new made over Tuscan style kitchen!
Oh, and my Brother is a certified pipe fitter. He won't have any problem removing the sink and replacing it so the counter can be installed. ;)
And another PS! While fishing info from Mom, I found out they want to be gone on this vacation 2 to 3 weeks!! That will give us plenty of time to do it. :D
Some rooms are seriously outdated and neglected where as others are quite beautiful and hip. In 1970 something or the early 80's they tore down a wall that semi separated the kitchen from the living room. I always thought this was a great move. It gave the inside a much bigger area to live in.
A hand full of years ago they bought new couches and stones to rework the hearth. They bought new light fixtures and fans too. All in the style of Frank Lloyd Wright. It looks great.
The kitchen however was redone in the early 90's I think and hasn't been touched since. The cabinets are white, but the doors are light blue. They finally got a new oven and dishwasher that have a modern black and white look, but never replaced the counter top or fridge. They are both still Harvest Gold, circa 1975. Mom has the standard chicken and duck country kitchen crap hanging in a few places, and some fake plants here and there. They hate it, but their bedroom needs just as much love, and Mom wants to do that first.
So they're working on the bedroom for now and probably won't even think about getting to the kitchen for at least 3 years. This is where I come in. And my sister.
My folks are going on vacation to Italy for their 35th wedding anniversary next summer, '06. I talked to my sister about maybe trying to get them on a TLC show to get their kitchen redone. After much discussion, and not wanting to chance being picked, we decided to do it ourselves. I've been fishing information out of Mom about what she might like "when they get to it" and she's been quite unaware of my intentions and full of great information. It's easy to talk about right now too, since she's in home makeover mode for the bedroom.
Sister and I know she already likes Tuscan/Mediterranean style. She' s made plenty of comments in the past about "wishing I had a kitchen like that." We figure Dad is just along for the ride, and won't be opposed to the style either, so we're just gonna go for it.
We've discussed colors and what we need to do. I think the only thing we won't be able to upgrade is the cabinetry, and I know Mom really wants new cabinets. But I think once we're done with the makeover, she'll be good to go with what she has. New hardware, paint and fancy finish should be sufficient. But considering they'll be getting a new fridge, counter top and mosaic backsplash I don't think she'll complain.
Sister and I had already discussed putting up a mosaic as a backsplash. But while I was fishing info from Mom the other day, she said "I'd love to mosaic the backsplash." :p We were dead on.
We're also looking into getting new dishes as well. I even bought a new painting for one of the walls and a new utensil jar to go next to the stove. We'll be picking up trivets and putting in a cute wrought iron mosaic table and wrought iron chairs.
This all sounds so very involved and expensive, but guess what? We're doing it over the next year and a half. We should be able to buy most of the bits before we're ready to put it all together, and we'll try and get a credit card at Lowe's or Home Depot for the fridge and counter. I know we can do this. We WILL do this. My parents deserve this, and it will be a wonderful 35th wedding anniversary present for them to come home to.
From Italy itself to their brand new made over Tuscan style kitchen!
Oh, and my Brother is a certified pipe fitter. He won't have any problem removing the sink and replacing it so the counter can be installed. ;)
And another PS! While fishing info from Mom, I found out they want to be gone on this vacation 2 to 3 weeks!! That will give us plenty of time to do it. :D
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Ask and You Shall Receive
I looked at my boss today and said "Is it too late to request a day off?" And he said "For when?" And I said "Tomorrow hehe" And he said "Yes, it's too late" and continued to give me grief for asking. And of course let me stew on it for a couple of hours and then said "Is there anything pressing?" And I said "No, nothing that can't wait until Monday." And he said I could have the day off.
So now I have a sudden 3 day weekend! And I have things to do as well, and I'm going to try my very very hardest to be productive AND relax for the next 3 days.
So now I have a sudden 3 day weekend! And I have things to do as well, and I'm going to try my very very hardest to be productive AND relax for the next 3 days.
- I get my first take home test from class tomorrow. It's due Monday, so I'll have a test to do this weekend. No problem.
- I moved into my "new" apartment unit 6 months ago and all of my nice work clothes are still in the damn box I moved them in. I HAVE to freaking organize and hang them up. Period.
- I have a few items to return to Lane Bryant. The credit to my bank account is needed, so I must do this as well.
- The house is a catsty and needs vacuuming and general straightening. Meh, we'll see. :p
- I have a date with my best friend on Saturday to go to a BEAD show!!! I hope to spend most of Saturday shopping for beads and then hanging around my place gooing over what we just bought and make new jewelry!
- I will be attending 2 Belly Dance classes Saturday morning. Once a student moves onto the next level of class, they can attend any previous level class for free! There is a beginner class at 10am every Saturday, and my class is at 11:15. I'm going to take the opportunity to dance for 2 hours because I love it so much! It's great exercise and it'll only enhance my dancing skills! FUN!
It'll be a good weekend. I'm looking quite forward to it!
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Ink Blot Test
Sarah, your subconscious mind
is driven most by Peace
is driven most by Peace
People who have unconscious minds driven by peace tend to be independent thinkers who often prefer to live by their own high personal standards and moral code.
You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to be able to influence the world in a positive way.
You have a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it, and you inspire others to feel the same way. Your innate drive toward peace guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Lethargy
When I left home this morning I felt down. On my drive to work I could feel my mood seeping down into that quiet concealed place. The place I go when I'm depressed. It's a very strange feeling. Being quite aware of the depressed state you are headed to, knowing there isn't any reason to be there other than physical chemical imbalance. I don't even like to call it imbalance, because for me, it seems natural. Its part of the menstrual cycle for me. Even though I don't feel this way every month, when I do, it's always before my period.
The span between these days is farther apart than it's ever been. I can honestly say I think I've had 3 or 4 periods since I felt this way. Which in my world can be around 6 months. I don't like this feeling at all. The best way I can describe it is imagine yourself sitting on the sidewalk, on a city street while it's raining. You've got your knees to your chest and your arms wrapped around them. Not because it's cold, but just because you feel like sitting in a little ball. Your lips are pressed to one of your knees and you're just staring at the curb. And if you don't have one, you'd feel better with an umbrella or rain coat pulled over your head so you can just try and disappear from the world.
That's how I feel. It's a quite place, but some what comfortable. I don't really pay attention to who's walking by or what anyone is saying. Fortunately for me, I know I'll want to get up when the sun comes out and skip down the street. Alot of people in the world don't ever get up. I suppose that's why I don't mind these days too much. Cause I know they'll go away. I suppose that's what keeps me believing that I'm not a manic or severely depressed person. Those people can't see the light. But I always can, even if I don't want to pay attention to it today.
I normally treat myself pretty bad on days like this where food is concerned. Comfort food, as they say. But it's never comforting. I've had 2 meals today and both of them came from fast food joints. I feel terrible at the moment. I feel like crawling under my cube and sleeping. I wish I hadn't just eaten what I ate. It'll probably give me a headache before too long.
I wish days like today were the only days I ate like that. I'll never loose the weight I'd like to loose if I keep feeding my misery(?) with fast food.
That just made me think of something. I wonder if my bad food habit is directly tied to my ex and the issues I still harbor with him. Or the issues I still harbor with myself concerning my relationship with him. I do feel a subconscious current running through those thoughts and habits alot of the time. I should try and break that tie. I'm sure on some level I eat that way because I did when I was unhappy with him.
However, I've never had a good diet, even though I was thin as a child and teenager. Perhaps it's an older issue than I thought.
Too tired to keep thinking on it now. Maybe I'll go have a cookie.
The span between these days is farther apart than it's ever been. I can honestly say I think I've had 3 or 4 periods since I felt this way. Which in my world can be around 6 months. I don't like this feeling at all. The best way I can describe it is imagine yourself sitting on the sidewalk, on a city street while it's raining. You've got your knees to your chest and your arms wrapped around them. Not because it's cold, but just because you feel like sitting in a little ball. Your lips are pressed to one of your knees and you're just staring at the curb. And if you don't have one, you'd feel better with an umbrella or rain coat pulled over your head so you can just try and disappear from the world.
That's how I feel. It's a quite place, but some what comfortable. I don't really pay attention to who's walking by or what anyone is saying. Fortunately for me, I know I'll want to get up when the sun comes out and skip down the street. Alot of people in the world don't ever get up. I suppose that's why I don't mind these days too much. Cause I know they'll go away. I suppose that's what keeps me believing that I'm not a manic or severely depressed person. Those people can't see the light. But I always can, even if I don't want to pay attention to it today.
I normally treat myself pretty bad on days like this where food is concerned. Comfort food, as they say. But it's never comforting. I've had 2 meals today and both of them came from fast food joints. I feel terrible at the moment. I feel like crawling under my cube and sleeping. I wish I hadn't just eaten what I ate. It'll probably give me a headache before too long.
I wish days like today were the only days I ate like that. I'll never loose the weight I'd like to loose if I keep feeding my misery(?) with fast food.
That just made me think of something. I wonder if my bad food habit is directly tied to my ex and the issues I still harbor with him. Or the issues I still harbor with myself concerning my relationship with him. I do feel a subconscious current running through those thoughts and habits alot of the time. I should try and break that tie. I'm sure on some level I eat that way because I did when I was unhappy with him.
However, I've never had a good diet, even though I was thin as a child and teenager. Perhaps it's an older issue than I thought.
Too tired to keep thinking on it now. Maybe I'll go have a cookie.
Friday, February 04, 2005
Feelings and Sensations
I've not blogged in a week. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened. No life lessons or epiphanies. No specific outings. Just normal everyday life. Which I suppose is a really great thing sometimes. Although it doesn't leave much to blog about.
I did have a thought the other day that I wanted to delve into and elaborate on here. I wanted to post pictures along with it, but I'm at work now and don't have access to those pictures. But I feel like typing, so I'll just go on and perhaps post a photo or two later.
My thought was sparked by something very odd. It's been raining alot here lately and when I leave work it's normally dark. Well it seems the street lights near my work are particularly bright in color. The red is VERY red and the green is VERY green. What I noticed was how incredible these colors look reflected off of the wet streets. It's so incredibly vibrant that as I'm sitting at the light, waiting for it to change, I almost melt into the color of red. It truly sends a feeling of peace and contentment over me. Like the whole day is just washed away and I can take a deep breath and just marvel at the red and green.
I know that sounds insane, but I really don't care. It makes me happy. So I was starting to thing about other things that make you take that deep breath and just live in the sensation. Places, things, smells. There are so many things we all like that makes us happy or feel good, but there are very few things in particular that really make you stop and take it in. And I think that is different for everyone.
One thing I thought of, along with the brilliant red and green lights, that makes me gooey, if you will, is clean white new socks, or a clean fluffy towel. The warmth from the dryer is soothing, and the smell of the detergent brings your senses to life. I love the feel of clean white new socks on me feet. Enough to stand and stretch my toes, wiggle them around and press them into the ground. And if you bury your face in a warm clean towel and take a deep breath, it's almost better if you just let yourself fall back on a bed. It's so completely soothing.
Another thing that popped into my head when I was digging deep to find those particularly special things was a place. I've been to this place twice. And although I've seen alot of amazing places in my life, this particular place is just that much more breath taking. It's called Muley Point in Utah. It's near Valley of the Gods and Monument Valley, off of a dirt road that takes about 10 minutes to drive down. You are literally driving to the edge of a massive cliff you've just previously spent climbing up, out of the Valley, on a switch back road. There are no man made structures or parking lots. No tourist booths or railings. You drive out to the edge, if your little car can handle it, then you get out and you stand on what seems like the edge of the world and just..... gasp at the grandness of it all. It's absolutely incredible. Of course words and pictures cannot describe the feeling you get from this place.
Both times I've gone there I've been with only the people that were in the car. No others were there. It's so hard to find places that haven't been tampered with, but this is one of them and it is amazing. I hope it's always this way. I hope no one ever tries to tame it or regulate it or sell bullshit near it.
Anyway, I've gotten off track. This place gives me the same feeling as those red and green lights, or as clean socks and towels. I would have to say the feeling from this place is more magnified, but it's all the same.
I did have a thought the other day that I wanted to delve into and elaborate on here. I wanted to post pictures along with it, but I'm at work now and don't have access to those pictures. But I feel like typing, so I'll just go on and perhaps post a photo or two later.
My thought was sparked by something very odd. It's been raining alot here lately and when I leave work it's normally dark. Well it seems the street lights near my work are particularly bright in color. The red is VERY red and the green is VERY green. What I noticed was how incredible these colors look reflected off of the wet streets. It's so incredibly vibrant that as I'm sitting at the light, waiting for it to change, I almost melt into the color of red. It truly sends a feeling of peace and contentment over me. Like the whole day is just washed away and I can take a deep breath and just marvel at the red and green.
I know that sounds insane, but I really don't care. It makes me happy. So I was starting to thing about other things that make you take that deep breath and just live in the sensation. Places, things, smells. There are so many things we all like that makes us happy or feel good, but there are very few things in particular that really make you stop and take it in. And I think that is different for everyone.
One thing I thought of, along with the brilliant red and green lights, that makes me gooey, if you will, is clean white new socks, or a clean fluffy towel. The warmth from the dryer is soothing, and the smell of the detergent brings your senses to life. I love the feel of clean white new socks on me feet. Enough to stand and stretch my toes, wiggle them around and press them into the ground. And if you bury your face in a warm clean towel and take a deep breath, it's almost better if you just let yourself fall back on a bed. It's so completely soothing.
Another thing that popped into my head when I was digging deep to find those particularly special things was a place. I've been to this place twice. And although I've seen alot of amazing places in my life, this particular place is just that much more breath taking. It's called Muley Point in Utah. It's near Valley of the Gods and Monument Valley, off of a dirt road that takes about 10 minutes to drive down. You are literally driving to the edge of a massive cliff you've just previously spent climbing up, out of the Valley, on a switch back road. There are no man made structures or parking lots. No tourist booths or railings. You drive out to the edge, if your little car can handle it, then you get out and you stand on what seems like the edge of the world and just..... gasp at the grandness of it all. It's absolutely incredible. Of course words and pictures cannot describe the feeling you get from this place.
Both times I've gone there I've been with only the people that were in the car. No others were there. It's so hard to find places that haven't been tampered with, but this is one of them and it is amazing. I hope it's always this way. I hope no one ever tries to tame it or regulate it or sell bullshit near it.
Anyway, I've gotten off track. This place gives me the same feeling as those red and green lights, or as clean socks and towels. I would have to say the feeling from this place is more magnified, but it's all the same.
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