Still Healing

Next month I will be officially divorced for two years. I'm still healing. I've had several dreams as of late with him in them. Some scary, some weird, some okay.

I had one last week that scared me. I was out somewhere with some friends (or so they were in my dream - none of them had faces) but the feeling of the dream was that I was out with my friends and I was feeling free and new and in a state of realization that I was completely free of him and he had no control over me any longer. Then he suddenly appeared and although I don't remember exactly what he said to me, the idea of it was that he could take me away and keep me locked up and under his control and I'd never be free of him.

After I woke, it left me feeling very trapped all day. That perhaps he could do those things. Just crawl out of the woodwork and suck me back into The Pit.

Then this weekend I had another dream about him. I was at what was supposed to be his mom’s place. She was there and so was he. Most of the dream seemed like she and I were talking about the whole situation and how Randy was taking it, and although he was there and could probably hear us, he wasn’t responding. But he wasn’t being a dick either. It was like she and I were discussing how he was hurt about it all and hoping he’d get over it soon. (Me kicking him out and divorcing him) He came and sat next to me with a guitar and an amp and wanted to show me how he could play. It was like he was a troubled teen and she and I were the grown up’s watching him act like he was okay, but knowing that he really wasn’t. Part of it was me talking to her about hoping he’d get over it soon so we could be friends again and he wouldn’t hate me. I was wearing my wedding rings too.

Weird thing though, I don’t think the way the dream was pictured is what it was really supposed to represent. I think that he was symbolizing the chunk of me that is still funkified by him. That he (or that piece of me) was healing, by coming to me and sitting with me to play the guitar. That I was talking to his mother, but that symbolized me talking to myself, and feeling sad and pity for that hurt part of me that I want to hurry up and get over it and heal.

Because I don't want to be his friend or ever speak to him again, but I do want to be over it already. I want to stop being angry at myself for letting him do the things he did to me. And angry at him for doing them. I want to stop blaming myself for letting myself get into the shape I'm in, and acting like it was his entire fault. And I want to get over all of those same things and stop blaming him for what he did to cause me to be the mess that I am. Bah, that's all so hard to verbalize.

Regardless, I'm so incredibly done. I was done years before I married him. I was done months after I married him, and I'm still done years after I've divorced him. It's exhausting. When will it finally be clean, clear and gone?