Lethargy

When I left home this morning I felt down. On my drive to work I could feel my mood seeping down into that quiet concealed place. The place I go when I'm depressed. It's a very strange feeling. Being quite aware of the depressed state you are headed to, knowing there isn't any reason to be there other than physical chemical imbalance. I don't even like to call it imbalance, because for me, it seems natural. Its part of the menstrual cycle for me. Even though I don't feel this way every month, when I do, it's always before my period.

The span between these days is farther apart than it's ever been. I can honestly say I think I've had 3 or 4 periods since I felt this way. Which in my world can be around 6 months. I don't like this feeling at all. The best way I can describe it is imagine yourself sitting on the sidewalk, on a city street while it's raining. You've got your knees to your chest and your arms wrapped around them. Not because it's cold, but just because you feel like sitting in a little ball. Your lips are pressed to one of your knees and you're just staring at the curb. And if you don't have one, you'd feel better with an umbrella or rain coat pulled over your head so you can just try and disappear from the world.

That's how I feel. It's a quite place, but some what comfortable. I don't really pay attention to who's walking by or what anyone is saying. Fortunately for me, I know I'll want to get up when the sun comes out and skip down the street. Alot of people in the world don't ever get up. I suppose that's why I don't mind these days too much. Cause I know they'll go away. I suppose that's what keeps me believing that I'm not a manic or severely depressed person. Those people can't see the light. But I always can, even if I don't want to pay attention to it today.

I normally treat myself pretty bad on days like this where food is concerned. Comfort food, as they say. But it's never comforting. I've had 2 meals today and both of them came from fast food joints. I feel terrible at the moment. I feel like crawling under my cube and sleeping. I wish I hadn't just eaten what I ate. It'll probably give me a headache before too long.

I wish days like today were the only days I ate like that. I'll never loose the weight I'd like to loose if I keep feeding my misery(?) with fast food.

That just made me think of something. I wonder if my bad food habit is directly tied to my ex and the issues I still harbor with him. Or the issues I still harbor with myself concerning my relationship with him. I do feel a subconscious current running through those thoughts and habits alot of the time. I should try and break that tie. I'm sure on some level I eat that way because I did when I was unhappy with him.

However, I've never had a good diet, even though I was thin as a child and teenager. Perhaps it's an older issue than I thought.

Too tired to keep thinking on it now. Maybe I'll go have a cookie.